My Evil Plan to Save Net Neutrality

In a world where the NSA didn’t tap every phone call made to the eastern United States, I would pose as somebody from an I.S.P. and place a few calls to select congressmen and senators:

Me: “Good day, Congressman. I’m the V.P. of Sales at Comcast. I’m calling to congratulate you for supporting the bill to abolish so-called ‘net neutrality.’”

Congressman: “Why thank you, sir! I’m always glad to hear praise from my constituents.”

Me: “No problem at all, Congressman. Anyways, I’m calling to give you a heads-up that when the bill passes, your website will be down temporarily until we can negotiate an access fee.”

Congressman: “Say what?”

Me: “Well, with net neutrality abolished, we’ll be free to redirect all of our customers to nancypelosi.com until we’ve hammered out a deal.”

Congressman: “… Uh, this bill isn’t going to pass, I’m afraid.”

Me: “You’re making a terrible mistake!”